LIKE MOST OF THE VERY TALL, I JUST WANT TO STOP HURTING MY HEAD WHILE ALSO APPEARING MEGAATTRACTIVE TO ALL THE HUNKS AND BABES

THE SOLUTION: accept that you can't be doing the coolest thing ever at every possible moment! who knows, it might make you happier? and now if you'll excuse me, i'm off to swim up a waterfall and hang out with all FIVE ninja turtles. that's right. i know the fifth turtle.

SEXT: u were homeschooled and never got sex ed. «i can teach u» i say. i teach you A LOT but we never sex b/c that'd be v inappropriate now

WHY DO WE SAY «NEAR MISS» WHEN THEY'RE REALLY A «NEAR HIT»: because there are many types of misses. you can miss something by a little («a near miss») or by a lot («a far miss»). if you DON'T want to be hitting something, a near miss is obviously more dangerous than a far one. in contrast, when dealing with bombs, a «near miss» of a target is better than a far miss because while you didn't hit the mark, it may have still been damaged by the explosion.

ETIQUETTE OF THE FUTURE: if i give you my future-phone to show you a future-picture, don't future-swipe right to see my other future-pictures because i maybe didn't want to future-show future-you future-them

Utahraptor didn't even mention the part where he meets The Headbandit

ALTERNATE ENDING: and your LEAST-favourite actor is an objectively bad person who runs over other people's pets in a tractor ON PURPOSE!! / *GASP* / WHERE'D HE GET THE TRACTOR

See, if you ignored all the earlier harbingers of chaos, then the thing is i'm kinda the last warning you get

My friend once quit his job to «focus on his loafing» and i found it really inspiring

HELLO I'M GOD AND I WAS KINDA WONDERING WHAT IS THIS PUNCTUATION YOU SPEAK OF