The ancient romans never rose to the heights of having a temple-robber being turned into a giant ice cube by being breathed on by a vengeful jupiter, and none among us, possessed of an honest heart, can argue this

If you got spanked by the universe you would never live that down. everyone would know you got spanked by the universe. like i'm sorry you got spanked but there's no way everyone wouldn't know

SIX-YEAR-OLDS AND MATHEMATICIANS: two groups who think it's very important to measure their ages to the nearest half year

There's nothing in the rulebook that says we CAN'T live forever, right? oh, there's no rulebook? well in that case even better

Ask your parents if they ever insulted you when you were a baby and they will tell you that they never once did, or they will tell you the truth

Later, shakespeare writes in a role for an actual cannon in henry viii which then burns down the theatre. this is not a metaphor

If these walls could talk i would definitely NOT dance like nobody is watching in here!!!!

When the wheel lands on candles that smell like video game characters PLEASE contact me

I KNEW i was forgetting something! the other day, when we were leaving the house, didn't i say i was forgetting something? I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING *SOMETHING*

Okay fine the wheat doesn't talk! instead… she RAPS